At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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