I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
