If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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