I need to stop coming to work sober
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Randomize