Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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