dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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