Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
