There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
