I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
