Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
