i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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