You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
