all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
