Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am one with the molecules
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
