I need to stop coming to work sober
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
