He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
