PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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