We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
