Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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