Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
