I must be too annoying 4 u.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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