Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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