my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
so let's talk penis.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
