How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So vagazzling was a success
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
