Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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