I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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