Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize