I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize