Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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