Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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