Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize