is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
