We're like a lot better than the average bears
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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