my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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