youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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