Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
