I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
