I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
