i already hear my dad disowning me
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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