can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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