Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
