Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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