Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
