Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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