made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Found the puke drawer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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