apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
