when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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