Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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