I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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