I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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