I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
