I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
