If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
