did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
no you cant smoke seaweed
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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