Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
you had me at cake vodka
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize