Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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