If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
