Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
