It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
