ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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