his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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